?

Log in

No account? Create an account

Previous 10

Sep. 13th, 2013

it is all about me!

Why miscarriage hurts so bad

And why I act like a weirdo around pregnant people and babies.


The first one I had was April 1212. I was so excited when I found out I was pregnant. It was my first one, we had been trying since December of 2010. I wanted to tell the world! I couldn't stop smiling and I could FEEL the warmth of the life growing inside me. It felt like my stomach was glowing. This must be the Chi, that some speak of. I had problems immediately in the pregnancy and try as hard as I could I still lost it. It didn't matter what Drs I called or how much I prayed or wanted it.

From that moment on, it felt as if every woman in the world was pregnant but me. Some of my friends were moving on to having their second child, and I couldn't get pregnant - nay keep the pregnancy that I had, to even get #1. I felt a failure as a woman. That I couldn't even get a simple biological function right. Fuck, BACTERIA do it and they don't have brains.

We tried again immediately. I saw more people get pregnant around me, growing round, glowing with pregnancy. I saw them rub their bellies, I saw the way their husbands looked at them with adoration. And I had nothing. Each new cycle when good ole Aunt Flow visited, I would cry and rage. Disappointed yet again. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't help being crushed every single time she came.

 November rolled around, I had hoped to at least get pregnant again before my due date. On my very due date, I got my period instead. And it was a wicked one to boot AND I had a fibro flair AND I was at a friends house for Thanksgiving. I fear I was no fun that visit.  What a kick in the teeth. I felt like the worst house guest ever. Sorry guys.

My cycles are never regular (TMI for many of you, but I don't believe in TMI, we all know this stuff happens) I never know when I am going to get my period. So when my cycle creeps up to 42 days, 52 days and the longest ever 75 days, you start to hope. You symptom spot, and wonder, are my boobs sore? Does that hamburger smell bad because I am pregnant? Am I sick in my stomach because I am pregnant? You start to hope. And then you test. And it is negative, later on that day, my period would start. It was like the universe was being EXTRA cruel, or that taking a pregnancy test actually brings on my period. It never failed either, someone would announce they were pregnant on FB those days too.

The guy at the dollar store once saw that I was buying 5 tests one time- "Just want to make sure eh?" he said joking. I wanted to punch him in the face. Well being that I NEVER know when my period is coming, I end up taking a lot of these, Bub. I hung my head and walked out ashamed and angry, saying nothing to him.

More friends have babies or get pregnant. I am happy for them. I REALLY am. I wish I could partake in their joy, but I am not strong enough. I block them from my news feed, and on days where I am feeling stronger, or I don't know, particularly masochistic towards myself, I would go check on them to see how they were doing, and I would leave some nice comments. I really did care about them and I wanted them to know that, but I just couldn't pop on FB and see their belly pics, or pics of their newborns with out some warning you know? Especially if I was having a really bad day. I felt like a bad friend.

I would have DREAMS that I was pregnant. I would feel labor pains, and have a baby in my dreams. But everyone was always mad at me, and in those dreams no one cared that I had a baby. I never could see my baby either, just a blurred shape, or something swaddled in blankets so I couldn't see them. I would wake up and my abs would be sore, they would hurt for days. I must have really been clenching them in my sleep hard.

Baby shower invites would come. So would my tears. My shame of not being "woman" enough to have a baby would mock me. I couldn't answer those invites, and I TRIED get or make people presents, I have several unfinished baby projects lying around that I just cant look at. I really did try, I just couldn't finish them. I just couldn't. If they read this, I am sorry. I wondered if I hurt my friends feelings by not responding, by not sending a gift. I wondered if I looked hateful or something awful bad. But every time I sat down to respond, I would start to shake and cry.

I felt my friends and I drift apart. The year drug on.
I hoped to get pregnant this time by the miscarriage date. That day passed. A friend had their baby. I looked at their pictures, they were beautiful together, this mother and child. I wished them well. I turned off the computer and cried. I felt ashamed that I couldn't give my husband a child. I knew I was isolating myself. But they needed no part in my sorrow or failures. I KNOW this isn't my fault. I KNOW I didn't ask for this, nor did I do something wrong. But it doesn't matter. It FEELS that way.

I saw pictures of children doing cute things, heard the stories friends posted about this or that. I want that. I would think so hard. I really want that. I want the small things of being a mom. The hugs on the legs, the homemade cards, the first day of school, the overkill marshmallow stick they collected themselves. I want ALL that. I want the tears, the tantrums, the skinned knees, bath time, bed time, story time. I want to show them the world, and have them marvel at a spider or a flower. I still couldn't seem to get pregnant. And I could sense peoples irritation with how I felt about, or how I acted towards/about pregnant woman/babies. I couldn't help it and I couldn't stop. How do you steel yourself against this? How do you harden your heart, or learn to accept this, when it is all around? Some days I swear pregnant women followed me in the grocery store (I would even avoid the aisles they were in, never mind going down the baby/formula aisle)

This summer I kept telling myself I didn't want kids any more. I thought if I kept telling myself this, I would eventually believe it. I told myself, I got to sleep in. I didn't have to deal with tantrums in the store, or ear aches. I would be able to have breakable stuff (who am I kidding I have dogs) I didn't have to deal with sticky fingerprints on glass doors, or have extra laundry, we could travel... I told myself all that and more. It just isn't going to happen for us, that is all. Get used to it. Accept it.

You see my insurance won't pay to help me GET pregnant. It will only help if I AM pregnant. We don't have the money to go to a reproductive specialist. They are 2500 dollars to walk through the door. Not to mention the indignities that you suffer through when getting all of those expensive tests. Every bit of your intimate  life on display, laid out on a cold hard medical table for all to see. You get poked and prodded, Dr's look up where the sun doesn't shine. They perform tests that are downright painful. You could go through them all and still never get pregnant.

I can't afford IVF, or any of those fancy high tech ways to get pregnant. I told myself if I couldn't afford that, I couldn't afford a baby. Period. It just was never going to happen for us. Get used to it, accept it, grieve and move on. Maybe I will be able to I don't know, look at my friends baby if I can accept this. Gosh, by golly maybe I could hold the baby and take joy in one once again.

You see, by the time Matt and I could afford a reproduction specialist, I will be well over 35, then it may take years to get pregnant, and I may never be able to anyway.  What testing my drs have done, came back perfect. I saw the results myself. There is no reason for this. I just don't get to be a mommy.

I stopped hoping and I stopped testing.

Early in Aug I looked at myself in the mirror. I look pregnant I thought. I couldn't be. I cant be. I can't get pregnant. My nausea was getting worse, and I could *feel* something happening. I had been nauseated all summer from MAV. There is a good explanation for this nausea. I can almost always tell when a woman I know is pregnant. I can see it in her face, long before the first trimester is up and she starts telling everyone. I could see it in my own. Matt made me take a test at one point, it was negative. When I came out of the bathroom, I saw the hope on his face. I told him, "nope, toldja so." I tried to be all business about it. I could see his disappointment. We both tried to be all rational about it and not mind. But I saw his face. I chalked another mark up there on my ways I fail to be a "great woman", right there above my housekeeping skills, and my ability to dress smart.

I had been unusually cramping all month, my boobs were getting sore, my period is coming I just know it. I went to the dr again for the MAV. As I got sick from the computer screen at work AGAIN. How the hell can I work or go to school if I can't reliably use a fucking computer?! I thought my period started Tuesday night. Ironically right as I sat down with a test in hand justincase I told myself. Well at least I didn't waste that one. I thought, as I saw that my period had started. I dreaded this one, felt like it was going to be a bad one.

Wed AM my period totally went away. I felt myself pale as I did some mental calculations. I sat down and took a test and watched it turn positive in my hands. I started shaking. I started smiling. I started crying. I had to get myself together again. Matt had a HUGE test that day, and I COULDN'T tell him, till after he was done with all his prelims, that would blow his mind, he needed to concentrate. So I slipped the test into my pocket and went to school. I told a few people that day. I kept looking at that test, making sure I wasn't dreaming. I was *so* happy. I was amazed. It drove me crazy to wait to tell my husband.

My belly didn't feel like it was glowing this time. I was having some one-sided pain, and spotting. The pain was pretty bad, I called the dr, I went there, I had some tests, To early to tell if it is a tubal pregnancy, or even to see the baby at that time, they ran more blood work on Friday. Everything looked just fine. I was still paranoid I would miscarry. The spotting stopped and I felt great. My cramps started to let up a little. I relished every discomfort. Morning sickness wasn't FUN, but I knew it meant I was getting a baby. The thing I had prayed for, and wished for, and dreamed of for so long.

After SO long and SO much heartache and after this really shitty year. I thought this was my one big good thing I had coming to me after all this shit. Right, isn't that how it goes? I finally told Matt on Saturday morning. He was so happy. He was so proud. For the rest of this week he kept touching my belly, kissing it, smiling, laughing, blushing. We teased each other. We started thinking how our lives would have to change, what room would belong to the baby. Thank god this house fiasco happened BEFORE I had a baby! I would put my hand on my belly and smile.

I would look at myself in the mirror, turning sideways Imagining what I would look like when I was the size of a planet. I started looking at midwives, considering adding a Dula for the birth.  I bought a pair of yoga pants as jeans dug in and I couldn't stand the feeling, even though the pants were too big and even though I wouldn't show for months yet. I felt the pressure in there. I knew there was something happening. I marveled at how fast babies grow, and the changes in my body.

I played by the rules. I waited till I was married. I ate well, I don't smoke, I rarely drink, and when I do I have one or 2 moderation don'tcha know.. I took my meds. I wear a seat belt EVERY time I am in a car.  I finally DESERVE this baby. The universe has finally decided that I am worthy. I will be such a good mum. I promise I will be the best mum I can be.

I started to let my guard down. I let myself get more excited. My craving for lemon aid was fun. I got to tell Matt, the baby wants lemon aid. I started looking forward to the future, for the first time in a LONG, long time.

 I dreamed about my baby, and for the first time ever, I got to see him. Yes Him, it was a boy, and apparently his name was Kyle. He had the hair Matt did as a baby and green eyes, like my mother. He kept pointing at things and going "oooo" excited about his new life. I knew I was going to have a boy. I know the hard sciency people I know and love, will guffaw at this, unbelieving. But I believe in something else, something bigger than us. I think there is a spiritual connection to everything. I just don't know what it is. I have had dreams come true before. It was no surprise to me that I had this one. I just had to wait 8 months to meet him, for it to become real earthside.

I went to the store on wed night, and I bought some chicken feed in 50lb bags. I lifted them myself one at a time into my cart. Something I do all the time. I am pregnant, not sick. I don't want to be coddled. I know I am allowed to more or less keep up my same activity level. I know I can still ride, and hike and snowshoe and travel. Plus the more active and fit I am now, the easier my labor will be. My body will tell me how much I can do. I debated asking one of the workers, just in case, you know. But I lifted it myself. I felt something, something tear? It hurt. I worried. I didn't start to spot, I figured my uterus was just being irritable. It ached, and I started cramping. I told Matt about it. He told me to let him do all the lifting. I could see the worry on his face, and hear it in his voice. I agreed. I was sorry I lifted. I went home and went to bed as I wasn't feeling well, I was having motion sickness again and cramping.

I dreamed I started spotting and having a miscarriage. I woke up, I told Matt about it. He hugged me and told me it wasn't true, it was a nightmare. At midnight I started spotting, by mid-morning the next day I was out and out bleeding. I had already called the dr twice. He finally ordered blood work. I went to the bathroom. I was really bleeding now, and passing clots. I started to cry. I knew what was happening. Not again. Not again. PLEASE not again. I can't do this. Not again. What have I done to deserve this? What crime did I commit in another lifetime. Why me AGAIN.

My friend hugged me, cried with me. Took me to have my blood work. She took me home. I sobbed and sobbed, I am so sorry I lifted that. She settled me in at home, she went back to work, and checked in with me. I went home to bed, avoiding the construction men in my house. I cried and cried I. I will never lift something again, I promise. My blood work came back, it was only 511, it should have been over 1,300, The baby died days ago. It wasn't my lifting that did it. My lifting just started the flow if you know what I mean.

I am crushed, I am hurt am angry. I wish I had never got pregnant again. If I am going to loose the pregnancy and never get a baby, I don't want to be teased. To be given this horrible hope and then to have it dashed to smithereens. I had just about convinced myself I didn't want one. I was even considering having my friend and her baby out so I could get over this thing I have of dreading pregnant women and babies. Why me AGAIN.

 I am terrified to get pregnant again, what if I keep loosing pregnancies and never carry to term? I can't deal with this. I can not take that level of heart ache over and over again.

So here I am at home alone, stoned on pain meds and bleeding. Feeling the comfort and safety I had provided for my child leaving my body. I am cramping, it hurts bad. I get to have the labor, but I get none of those feel good chemicals I am entitled to during labor. I don't get my prize at the end of the pain. I get nothing but a broken heart and empty arms. Sounds dramatic I know. It really is this dramatic.

I dread the coming winter. I dread the cold and the dark. I dread Halloween with happy kids in costumes and a serious sugar buzz. I dread Christmas, I should have been able to feel him kick by then. I was going to get an ornament to celebrate this. I can't wait to see the back side of this fucking year. I am only looking forward to January 1st.  I dread May 13th. My would have been due date. I hold out no hope I will be pregnant before then. I will try to convince myself that I don't want kids. That I can look at pregnant woman and babies. That this doesn't hurt any more. I will lie to myself until I believe it is true.

Aug. 3rd, 2013

it is all about me!

Colorgenics

You have always longed for tenderness, love and a sensitivity of feeling into which you would like to blend. You are a very gentle warm person and responsive to 'All things bright and beautiful'. This personifies a caring person, a person who 'needs' and indeed 'needs to be needed'.

Now there are many things in life that you require as essential to your well-being but, try as you may, something always seems to be getting in your way. A word of advice - 'keep trying' and you may be pleasantly surprised to see just how matters turn out.

You lack confidence and that is a great pity because deep down you are indeed a warm caring person. This lack of confidence is making you wary of being drawn into any open discussion or conflict and so you feel as if you should let matters lie and leave well alone. But there may be a pleasant surprise in store for you. You are beginning to grow and very soon - sooner than you believed possible - this warm loving new you will be available for all to see and to appreciate.

You are pretending that the situation around you doesn't matter, but the effort of trying to conceal your emotions and anxieties is resulting in untold stress. The existing situation is disagreeable. You feel unwanted and lonely and you would really like to associate with someone whose ideals are as high as your own. You want to be above the standard of mediocrity and this need to be needed and that need to need has almost become an obsession. You are trying to magnify the need into a compelling urge. You would really like to tell the world how great you are but no, you are holding back because you feel that your peers may treat you with contempt. This is a great pity because you have in fact a unique quality of character, but the continual restraint that you impose on yourself makes you suppress this need for others and you pretend you don't really care. You treat those who criticise you with contempt. However, to be honest, beneath this assumption of indifference you really long for the approval and esteem of others.

You would like to be respected and valued for yourself and this can only be achieved from within a close and harmonious relationship.



Apr. 30th, 2013

it is all about me!

things - they really suck right now

Things are really sucking right now with Matt being unkind to me almost constantly.

I have also decided to put 2 of my horses to sleep, I am so upset this isnt funny

Also 'Tater is having some issue - so she will be going to the vet tomorrow.

My car is broken and needs new tires, and more shit needs to be paid for

Matts medical bills are starting to roll in and they are huge

I really need to catch a break
it is all about me!

spot on again

You have always been on the move seeking affectionate, satisfying and harmonious relationships. Your ultimate goal has been the realisation of an intimate union in which there could be love, self-sacrifice and mutual trust. It has often been said that 'True love is just around the corner' and - if you haven't found it as yet - you possibly soon will.

You don't feel as if you can go it on your own anymore. You don't want to be taken for granted. You need to be recognised as a 'caring person' and it could be that you are searching to establish a relationship, not necessarily with someone new, but with that someone special who could feel the same way as you do.

The way things are, you feel that you are stuck in a rut and there is not much you can do about it. You feel frustrated and inhibited but if you can find a way to let yourself go, you may find that things aren't quite so bad as perhaps you thought they were. One consolation is that since you are an extremely emotional individual, with the right person you may be able to release some of that frustration and tension with some mutual tender loving care.

Stresses resulting from a recent disappointment have led to considerable trepidation. It would seem that there seems to be so much left undone. Everything surrounds you with that air of uncertainty. You badly need to feel a sense of security and whatever it takes to protect you against further disappointment. At this particular time you doubt that things could be any better in the future but you are sticking to your guns and refusing to take advice from any source.

Since in the recent past all of your hopes and aspirations have been denied you, you are now convinced that the future will hold nothing but anxiety so therefore 'why bother?' You would love to get away from it all, to escape from the trials and tribulations of this mundane existence and fall into a peaceful and harmonious relationship, which will protect you from the lack of appreciation and give you the chance to start afresh.



Dec. 14th, 2012

it is all about me!

A post about todays shooting

First of all, I am so very very sorry to the families of the victims, the other children, and the family of the shooter. What happened is unexplainable and terrible. Nothing will ever make this go away. Nothing can explain it and nothing can make it better.

This is the short version, and some things have been left out on purpose, for privacy and for keeping it somewhat concise. If I wrote it all out, it would be a book.

Many of you are unaware of this, but I am a survivor of a murder-suicide. My Dadd (stepfather, whom I loved and called Dad) shot and killed my mother one friday morning on April 18th, he then called and told me what he did. His words were (and it was hard to understand him, his voice was so choked with tears - so much so that I didn't know who I was talking to at first) "Your Mom told me she wanted a divorce, so I shot her. I just wanted to tell you that I am so sorry, and that I love you, and I am going to kill myself"

This was the worst moment of my life.

I didn't believe him, I begged him not to kill himself, I tried everything I had been taught to get him not to do this, and then in the end, I hung up on him and called 911. I don't remember if I ever said I love you back. He killed himself then.

I forgive him, and mostly - I am not angry at him. I don't hate him, I love him as much as ever, still even after what he did. I now forgive my mother, and understand that while some of her actions might have helped push him over the edge - it was his choice to pick up that gun.

Let me tell you about my Dadd. He was in one word. Wonderful. In more words, kind, caring, smart, silly, fabulous, a kisser of boo-boos and the Evil Warlock - Zerlock who tickled us as kids. He was a hard worker, he had upstanding values, he was a hunter. He was also the least violent person in the world. Every animal he ever shot - he apologized to for taking its life. He thanked it for providing for his family. We respected our kills. He took me to my hunters safety course.

We had guns in the house growing up. Unlocked, in my parents bedroom. Before he died, my Dadd had amassed over 30 guns. Many of them heirlooms (and inherited), and a few pistols, including the one that ended his and my mothers lives. I knew how to handle a gun since - well I can never remember NOT knowing. I respected them, and we practiced gun safety even if we KNEW it was unloaded and pulled apart for cleaning. The ammo was within reach my entire life. I never once touched a gun without my parents permission, even when I owned my own.

My Dadd was never violent, and had never raised his hands - or even his VOICE to my mother. Us kids got yelled at if we deserved it, and paddled if we deserved that. He never enjoyed paddling us. We talked about this when I was older. It did put the fear of God into me lest I do something wrong. I toed the line I tell you.

My Dadd lost his job for the company that he worked for, he worked there nearly 25 years. He loved his job. They moved away to Mexico where labor was cheaper. My Dadd was so upset by this. He was NEVER the same afterwards. He went to school and did very well, graduated top of his nursing class. Started back to work. He hated it and was very unhappy.

Around this time my mother began to be plagued with some mental health issues herself. Strife was occurring. My Mom was acting MEAN and hateful. It was part of her illness. This was all taking a toll on my family - but especially my Dadd. He loved her so. She accused him of cheating and more - we wont get into it, but I swear on a stack of holy books of your choice, that it was not true. Mum got on meds - things improved. Dadd was also on meds for a while for depression.

Then Mum went off her meds (dr supervised) and frankly went nuts, she was obviously bi-polar and was totally manic - this is also when she got mean and hateful. Dadd was struggling. Then my Grandfather died, (his Dad) and things started to really go down hill. Mum was manic, not sleeping, drinking, chain smoking and partying and more. Dadd was desperate, and tried to reconnect with her, he became more depressed.

One morning he called me. Telling me he was going to take his own life. I talked him out of it and called 911 and we got him to the hospital - in good hands right? Well the idiots released him the same day with some xanax, His regular dr put him on some zoloft. A few weeks later I get that awful phone call while driving. Where he told me what he had done, and what he was planning.

Not my Dadd, not this gentle soul that I knew, This loving man, who would help ANYONE and do anything for anybody. Would give you the shirt off his back. How could he?

Simple. He was sick and desperate, and sick. Did I mention that? I am so sorry Dadd. I am so sorry it got to that point. I am sorry we couldn't get you more help. I am sorry it all went so horribly wrong.

My Mother had told me a short time before that she was afraid for her safety - I dismissed her fears, I discussed with my brother about removing the guns from the house after his suicide threat. We decided against it for several reasons. 1. The shear number of them and where to put them all. 2. We felt it wasn't showing trust in him. 3. He wouldn't harm anyone EVER, he cried when he shot a deer! (I saw him) I wish I could go back and at least validate my mothers feelings. To help her feel safe.To do something different.

In the end, my Dadd used a legally purchased and registered pistol, that he had bought when he was 100% of sound mind. Things changed later on. You know what... I am really glad I didn't take his guns away. If he really wanted to do this - there were worse ways to die. This way, my beautiful Mother never felt any pain. Neither did he. The instant he pulled the trigger - they were both at peace. Had he not had access, what horrible way, what horrible awful painful, non-instant way would they have died? My imagination has run away with this train of thought more than once :(

It isn't my fault, my Dadd made the choice to pick that gun up and fire it. It was somewhat planned. I don't blame the laws and I don't blame the gun. Shit fucking happens. Awful shit happens to really good people. And it sucks. It happened to me. No law, noone could have stopped this - it was worse than a cartoon snowball pushed off a mountain, getting bigger and bigger until it flattened - in this case lives.

Was it the meds... There is no telling. Honestly, even if the meds lowered inhibitions or something, the pills didn't pick that gun up and put it into his hand. No, this was a choice he made, deliberated on, then acted on. It may have been somewhat impulsive (we don't know) but it wasn't as instant as you think. He shut the dog in the bedroom, went around the OUTSIDE of the house to get to my mum. He also shot himself outside. While I cant prove it, I feel he planned that he and my mother die outside.

I was so ashamed afterwards. I felt that the whole world was looking at me, his daughter, judging me. Judging him. Thinking that he was an awful person. condemning him. They didn't even KNOW him. They didn't know our story. These strangers, reading about it in the papers, hearing it on the news. Judging my Dadd, thinking he was a bad man. HE wasn't a bad man, the CHOICE he made was bad.

I wish there would have been more mental health access for my Dadd. I wish there wasn't a stigma against mental illness and seeking help for it. I wish that dr would have monitored him more closely - or better yet, admit him. I wish he had not pulled that trigger.I wish  mum had better help, wasn't drinking,  I wish so many things.

I still love them both. I don't hate either of them. If either of them were standing in front of me today. I would hug them and accept them back into my life, no questions asked.

So in this time of great grieving and the pain that we feel, the sorrow at lives lost. Please, don't blame the guns, or the laws on guns, (he made this choice not the gun) Had he not had a gun, he could have made bombs, or used a frying pan on his loved ones. Don't blame the meds........ YOU DON'T KNOW.
Don't blame his family, or even the gunman himself - you don't know ANYTHING about the situation behind it. Nor will you ever. You will get a media-painted picture of it, that may not be accurate. In the end, you weren't in his head, you don't know his motives. This doesn't make what he did OK. No far from it. He did something wrong. Very wrong.

Instead send love, prayers, vibes, jingles -  whatever your fancy, to all involved. For the children who's lives were lost, for the ones left behind, affected forever by his decision. For their families, for the killer's family. And, yes,  even for the killer - for you don't know. It isn't for you to know. It is bigger than us.

Help how you can, donate time or money, knit a bear for the survivors. Teach love. Teach tolerance. Teach anti-bullying, teach all the good things. Don't allow violence. See when people are hurting and help them. Start changing the system, have mental health care available to all who need it for as long as they need it, no limits. Beef up the security in schools, go ahead - enact some gun control - I am all for it. Our rights to bear arms won't be taken away. and I am fine (as a gun owner myself) having to register and wait and more for a gun. If it helps with safety - I am all for it. And assault rifles have no place in hunting, or leisure anyway. There are plenty of firearms for that. Make it a little harder get a gun. Don't worry, I don't mind waiting for one. Be nice to others, do good wherever you can, whether someone notices or not. Hug more. Just, be kind and loving. That is all anyone can ask

drama

Miscarriage and jealousy

and why I can't just move on, or stop.

Ok I have whined about this before - but I am going to do it again. I am STILL so incredibly bummed out that I had my MC 10 months ago. Really - I can't get over it, and every time I think that I am doing better - something sets me back.

Lets talk about "Lisa". I confided in Lisa back in July about my MC - she confided in me that she too had had one shortly after mine. Instead of making me feel better- I felt WORSE. I guess I was looking for some pity, not commiseration. ALso she was rather clinical about her loss. Clinical to me - what she was feeling, this I can not say. She may not have cared - she could have been completely torn up, I don't know and I can't judge her for her outward expression. Honestly it would have helped me if there were some tears. I just personally am so affected by this, and I can't seem to shake it.

Not so long ago I went to a dinner with friends and Lisa - I KNEW she was pregnant that night - I just knew it. I found out later on via husband, and then got slapped with it again on FB with pictures of her and her husband looking so happy - giving their FB pregnancy announcement. My husband took the pictures.... never warned me, never mentioned that he was taking them. I feel betrayed.

Lisa and her husband are so happy that they are pregnant - and rightfully so. To her everlasting credit she doesnt post about it constantly, and has been polite to me. Her husband generally talks about it more than she does. They are so excited and happy.

I. am. MISERABLE.



EVERY TIME she posts a picture, or that I run into her in town. I get so upset. I am not mad at her. Jealous, yes. Sad oh such a big yes. Why cant I be pregnant too. After all, I have been with my husband longer, been married longer, been trying longer, been WANTING it for WAAAAY longer (7 years now)

I ran into her the other day with my husband. I admit I saw her in the hallway and I avoided her surreptitiously. It is so hard not to stare at her beautiful belly, and I feel like she can see right through my congrats, to how sad I am. I don't want her knowing how sad I am, and how seeing her glowing and looking beautiful and content just rips my heart out. I am happy for her. I really am. And I would wish her and her family NO HARM, only happiness. I just cant see it right now, because I am not happy. I am miserable. It cant be said enough. Poor Lisa, my idiot husband took me down the hall - the one I had avoided earlier - straight into her and her friend she was chatting with. She said hi, and told me how the baby was kicking now, and how she was having some issues (of which I am not surprised - I think they are non harmful, - I hope so - she deserves happiness but still a worry for her) I was all "Oh that's great!" But I could hear the shrillness in my own voice. How could she not. After I pulled Matt away - WHY does he insist on hanging around when babies are spoken of... I keep TELLING him how I can't deal. - He is so clueless about this. - WHY DOESN'T HE UNDERSTAND?!?! Why wont he respect this, and protect me from extra pain.  after we turned the corner - I asked him why he did that - he swore he didn't know they were there. I actually froze when I saw he was heading down that way.

honestly I think Lisa knows now, and I think she is upset with me. I don't know how to talk to her or IF I should talk to her. The last time we bumped into each other - she seemed grumpy - well she is preggo it could have NOTHING to do with me - but as an overly co-dependant individual I think it is my fault automatically.

So today my hubby tells me it is a girl. I nearly start crying. Then I get on FB and see her photo, and her announcement, - I have been bawling ever since. I esp have/had been wanting a girl. I am just beside myself. Just sobbing, and I cant talk to anyone about this. I dont know what to do.

What if I do/dont get an invite to her shower? How can I go? How can I not go? I dont want to hurt her, but every time I even think about it/see anything about it I just cant stop crying. God I can't even think of socializing with her after the baby is born - I know I will hold her, and just start sobbing and never stop. How horrific for her. But avoiding her will hurt her too.

Also all this avoiding her while she is pregnant - I am shooting myself in the foot. No one will want to be around me when and if my time ever comes (though I am increasingly loosing hope) I live so far away from friends and family, I will have no one around. I feel all mothers should be rather worshiped, and I feel guilty I cant pay homage too.

Last month I got my fucking period ON my would-have-been-due-date. OH and a nasty case of BV thanks for nothing universe. It was a horrific period too. By the way, this was also thanksgiving DAY and I was at a friends house.

I thought I might be preggo this month, took a test - looked like a faint positive. Took another still faint. Took 2 this AM, negative as can be. Rip my fucking heart out. I guess I am still not 100% out of the game....but still, I really doubt it now. Then why do my fucking boobs hurt so bad :( This has GOT to go.

don't I deserve a baby too? This is so unfair and I am just still so sad.

Oct. 23rd, 2012

it is all about me!

colorgenics - scary accurate again

Enough is enough - you feel frustrated and rejected. You are fighting back and the going is tough. It would be just wonderful if you could be left in peace.

You are working extremely hard trying to improve your image in the eyes of others. You are looking for acknowledgement from your peers and those who come into your sphere of influence. You want to be liked, not for what people think of you but for what you really are.

The situation at this time is one of considerable distress. You feel trapped and you are looking for some way out. You can find solace in the arms of someone who cares so long as there is no long-term emotional involvement.

Stresses resulting from a recent disappointment have led to considerable trepidation. It would seem that there seems to be so much left undone. Everything surrounds you with that air of uncertainty. You badly need to feel a sense of security and whatever it takes to protect you against further disappointment. At this particular time you doubt that things could be any better in the future but you are sticking to your guns and refusing to take advice from any source.

At this time you don't particularly like yourself. Everything that you have tried to do seems to have gone wrong. This makes you feel that there is no point in trying to start again. Apart from being stressed and tense, you are angry with yourself and have unadmitted self-contempt. Your refusal to admit that you and you alone is the basic cause of your problems leads to you adopting a headstrong and defiant attitude.


May. 26th, 2012

it is all about me!

that should have been me

I keep seeing pictures of everyone on FB either with new babies, or baby bellies or people announcing that they are preggo

While I am happy for them, I keep having the bitter thought - That should have been me.

I am still very much bummed out by this loss, and Matt is not. He has moved on, I am still trying to get my head around it. He said something the other day about my "fucked up body" and how - with out saying it outright- that it is my fault I cant get pregnant - or stay pregnant. This cut me to the quick. The rest of the night was a loss for me, I couldnt stop crying. I told him later how much it hurt for him to say these things, I can tell he doesnt understand why. But in the end he agreed to not say these things to me again

I feel the loss of life with in me, it FELT different when I was pregnant. I miss that feeling. I also miss knowing that soon I was going to have a baby in my arms. There was this warmth in my belly - I could feel it radiating out. Weird but true. I really miss that.

I was OK not having children at this time, but I am not ok loosing the baby I was given.

Apr. 19th, 2012

it is all about me!

I would have had a gummi bear

if I was still pregnant I would have had a gummi bear in my belly right now. His little heart would have been beating, he would have been moving his little feet and hands - he would have had fingerprints already.

I am still upset that he is gone. I was so excited. I was also glad to have something to "look forward to" as cheesy as that sounds. It is just that I have had nothing to look forward to. Everything seems so bleak.

Yesterday was also 4 years that my parents have died. It was all around a sucky day. I miss them still every day. At least I slept through the morning. Usually I do the "well now is when I called mom and woke her up and spoke to her for the last time"  "Now is when dad called me and told me what he did" "now is when the police called me and pulled me over" "now is when I saw my brother" "now is when I told my grandmother" I blissfully slept through that yesterday... I should call my gramma - wonder how she is doing


I wonder how some people just move on so quickly and just get on with things, when I still feel so bound by all of what has happened? Or how when I remind someone that it is a memorial day for me, they dont care, or give me a little extra TLC

Flowers would be nice.

Apr. 9th, 2012

hang in there

and she brought him forth in blood and pain and love

Dramatic, I know. But I am feeling the drama. I also feel that this is a pretty good description of labor and being a woman in general.

I got pregnant. I knew a few happy days laced with anxiety as I was spotting every day - everyone kept telling me it was normal I KNEW it wasnt.
Last sunday I started to bleed and cramp more. Monday official bleeding and contractions, then it slowed down, wed I ended up in the ER, with severe pain and bleeding (like a heavy period)
An ultrasound reveled a 3mm sack, unable to tell if it was a blighted ovum or just way earlier than we thought.
bloodwork reveled an hCG of only 800 - which increased only to 898 2 days later. Yup I am having a miscarriage.

I am pretty damn crushed about it.

here are the things that are bothering me.
1. It is happening and my happy dreams are crushed
2. I am in PAIN
3. I am bleeding
4. I am TIRED
5. My ass has been whipped for the last 2 weeks
6. My boobs hurt
7. I still have morning sickness
8. I still FEEL pregnant even when I am not
9. Matt is resenting having to care for the horses/the house/me/everything - I really am just not up to it - see above
10. That Matt thinks there never was a baby. there WAS even if it was only for a short time.
11 I feel he blames me
12. He keeps talking about my "fucked up genetics" - I have some issues, but I am no Igor or something. My issues arent quite "genetic" I find this hurtful to the max.
13. There is no bit of the baby for me to bury or have some sort of memorial to it
14. I feel that my husband is just ANGRY at me, and not being supportive
15. I really feel alone. Today I am quite tearful.
16. I really just want to be pampered and fussed over by my husband, I mean it is only a few weeks right? cant he man up?
17. I REALLY resent that on wed when I called him crying, terrified and in PAIN and begging him to come home that he couldnt.
18. I resent his actions/behavior in the ER. He was more concerned about $$ than my pain/comfort/emotional well being
19. I resent how he had to go back to school and take care of those fucking fish rather than take me home and take care of me. I mean I am his FUCKING WIFE. right?

I mean I just feel he should have just about dropped everything when I called him on wed, and rushed home to be with me. I feel he should have been volunteering to do the horses/extra house work etc BECAUSE HE CARES ABOUT ME. I would do the same for him.

this is just one more way I know that he cares only for himself.

Why does everything have to suck so much?

I AM grateful for some really really awesome friends that I have. They have called me, checked up on me, picked me up taken me home, given me cups of tea and even made me a cupcake hat (how can you be sad when there is a cupcake on your head)

Previous 10